I woke up the other morning at 4:15. I spent the next 2 hours flooding my pillows with tears...good tears. Been a lot of those lately. I've also done a lot of fasting lately and I wish I could say it was planned, get closer to God fasting because that would sound right and spiritual but it wasn't that kind. It's the kind where there's such a huge knot or knots in your stomach that there's no room for food, just a huge knot. So much lately has been personal and private journal kind of stuff. I haven't done the blog a lot. I've been selfish, just keeping all the stuff to myself...good stuff. Have you ever felt like if you started talking about it then it would go away or sound cheesy or people (most of whom you don't really care what they say or think anyway but you bow to it) would think you're bragging or overthinking everything or Satan would hear you and have at ya? Wierd I know but that's how I roll a lot of times. Some of it is just that it's so hard to put into words. But I decided I'll give it a try and hope that it helps encourage others if it makes sense and I don't just talk in a bunch of circles. I want to boast in the Lord as Galatians tells us to do because Lord knows I have nothing of myself to boast about. I'm choosing to do it because I saw a fb post by such a sweet young woman the other day having to do with trusting God's timing and not stressing and so knowing that we are not called to be selfish but we are called to encourage one another in the faith I decided I would write this and hope that it helps because if she struggles with it and I know I do then I know lots of others do.
This is all about God's faithfulness!! His faithfulness even when I am not!! His goodness even when I don't deserve it!! His love even when I still worry, stress, or lack the faith to believe Him!!
We (our family) went into January knowing how crazy and hectic our schedule would be. We knew there would be lots of opportunities to get bogged down in busyness and be exhausted beyond what we could handle. We knew in our own strength and genius planning we were doomed before we started. We figured we would spend a lot of time in different directions and having to pick and choose between children and events not to mention all the ministry stuff going on. And of course there were shots along the way about our schedule or more like Eddie's schedule but somehow God did not let us get fazed by that (and it's always interesting that those things come from directions you don't expect but that's for another time). For anyone who knows me at all knows that I hate to miss anything my kids are involved in even if it's being at one child's thing over another child's thing and Eddie and I constantly texting with info. Jessica was cheering at SMC, Stephen was playing baseball at SMC and John was playing baseball at South Aiken. The potential was there to get all out of sorts and not do anything well. I'm one that believes God cares greatly about everything in our lives even the things we deem little and insignificant. So I gave Him all the schedules, all the possibilities for problems and anything He could see coming that might throw us into a tailspin. Can I just tell you that God worked little miracle after big miracle and blew our minds over and over again. From seeing Stephen through his surgery and recuperation to us not missing out on anything, God has been busy showing up over and over again. He has done a few huge things in the past months for us but He's also been busy in the day to day and I think that's where I tend to miss Him the most. I'm trying hard to focus on seeing Him in action in the every day stuff of life. I have to admit a few times along the way I stressed and wondered how He was going to fix this or make this happen or what He was going to do about a particular thing. Then I end up crying my eyes out when He does it and repent of my lack of belief. I saw Him turn things upside down!! Don't you know He is our Drama King. I believe He loves to surprise us and prove our faulty thinking wrong!! I know He's never late and He's an on-time God but sometimes I still fight doubt. He has taught me so much about prayer and trusting Him and His personality. I have pounded His throne over and over and I've learned to never give up because it could be just one more prayer away. I saw Him heal my uncle when there seemed to be no hope. I know how my family prayed over him and believed God for a miracle and Saturday I stood with him in Spartanburg not believing my eyes as he was the picture of health and proclaiming God's goodness to all who will listen. I had just told Stephen Sunday afternoon that I wasn't sure we were going to make it to Colorado to see him in the World Series because it came on us so fast and we had no idea what plane tickets would be and we were just short on cash. Sunday evening someone gave us a gift to help us make that trip happen. Don't tell me God doesn't care about those kinds of things. He has made a way for us to go and then get back and hopefully be only a tad late for John's final baseball banquet. What a heart He has for the things that He knows are so special to us. He is capable of doing so much more than we can even imagine if we let Him...Eph 3: 20!! In the midst of our trust issues that Eddie and I both battle in ministry, He continues to proclaim to us in a silent but extremely loud voice, "but you can trust Me". He has proven that over and over lately as well.
If I could offer any encouragement it would be, TRUST HIM!! He will never let you down. He knows what is heavy on your heart whether it's a sick family member, a friend's betrayal, or getting to a ballgame that is important to you. You may know His character but do you know His personality? Remember trusting Him and waiting for Him is part of what keeps life fun and challenging and full of adventure. I can still hear my grandmother's voice singing as she would cook late in the afternoon. Her favorites were Victory in Jesus and I know whom I have believed. I've been singing those a lot lately myself.
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